I sometimes think there's this big, black, deep hole that all of my life plans are sitting in the bottom of.
I am a quitter.
I quit things.
Soccer.
Ballet.
Piano.
Guitar.
Xylohone.
Tuba.
Cheerleading.
Multiple Jobs.
College. (three times)
ESOAL.
The gym.
Every other instrument known to man.
I am a quitter.
I've become better at sticking with things, but lately I feel like every single thing in my life is falling through.
Within the past year, I've had numerous extravagant plans that have all fallen through.
I was going to move to Oregon... didn't happen.
I was going to spend a semester in Uganda... didn't happen.
I was going to go on an 11 month trip around the globe... didn't happen.
I was going to move to North Carolina... didn't happen.
So what IS happening, you ask? ...NOTHING!
nothing at all.
I feel like I'm just sitting. sitting in New Jersey, doing nothing.
I've begun working full time as a hair dresser and trying to move forward with my career, but I feel like nothing is happening to me.
Not even bad things, (which i am NOT asking for) but I'm just saying I wish SOMETHING would happen in my life. Within the past few weeks, a lot of my friends have left for school, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to school.
I guess that this is the beginning of adulthood, responsibility, done with school... I don't like adulthood.
I just always thought my life would be different at this point.
I thought I would be in my senior year of college somewhere near New Jersey, but not too close, getting ready to graduate with a degree that would get me a great job, engaged to some amazing man whim I would marry mere weeks after graduation.
Let me first say that I am so glad that is not my immediate future.
However, it would be nice to have some solid plans, which I do not.
Recently, there was a story on the news where a sink hole formed in New Jersey and a car went into it. (Don't worry, the lady got out) but i thought, it would be kind of fun to play in a sink hole... you know, until it became scary instead.
And thats kind of how I feel right now. I'm playing hide-and-seek in a sink hole... and it was fun until I realized that I'm hiding and no one is seeking me. Most of my deepest relationships are currently over the phone because not very many of my true friends are living near me anymore. and that sucks dude.
So I'm sitting in this sink hole, and once I realize it's time to get out, I figure out thats not very easy.
So the other day I was praying, praying that God would send me someone. here. now. someone I can talk to, really talk to, someone I can depend on.
And I realized, He already has. Himself.
He could send me a thousand friends, a million boyfriends, and I wouldn't be fulfilled.
No human being can pull me out of a sinkhole.
Only God can quiet the cries of my heart, and only if I let Him.
And while I sit here, hiding in a sink hole, it is He who is seeking me.
It is He who is making me Braver than I believe.
