Yesterday, I posted a blog expressing some negative feelings.
I mean like, sit-in-a-dark-room-listening-to-Sarah-McLachlan kind of feelings.
(You should go read that before you read this, or you'll be totes confused)
Within the past twenty-four hours, the responses I have received have been overwhelming.
Knowing my precious friends and family, I expected people to try to encourage me.
I never expected the heart felt, honest responses which I got to my post.
When I was in Tanzania, every time I posted a blog I had people telling me how proud they were and how "awesome" I am. That makes me a little uncomfortable. It's super nice and I know that the people who wrote those things meant them, but that's not why I do what I do.
And I would trade every compliment and "atta girl" I've ever received, just to know that Rosie will walk one day, or that my students don't go to sleep hungry.
But that's not a thing. You don't get to trade.
After I posted my blog yesterday, I almost deleted it. For two reasons. (1) I thought it was too whiny. (2) I didn't think anyone would truly understand, and I feared people would think I was just plain-old being too hard on myself.
Rarely in my life have I felt so understood.
I have gotten responses from friends who were in Africa with me, friends who have done similar things in different places, and friends who have never experienced what I went through.
And every single one of them gave me hope.
While I was gone, I shared a lot of my experiences on facebook and my blog, so while my friends know a lot of what I went through, they weren't there. They didn't experience it with me, but many of them felt it with me.
But I learned today, that the struggle is universal.
You don't have to be an international wanderer to feel inconsequential.
At some point, we all feel like a grain of sand on a massive beach.
In the past day, I have had people both encourage me, and berate me. Both in a good way.
I've been encouraged to keep my head up, and I've been berated for doubting myself and the power of Love.
I have had people say the most honest, loving things to me, making me feel that it truly is worth it.
Am I still sad? Yes. I wish that I could know full well that Rosie's future is bright.
I don't know that. But I do know that Rosie is bright. I do know that I put my heart into my time with her and no one, including her own mother, has permission to take that away from me.
I learned that from my friend Lauren. She said to me, "The wrongdoing of another does not cancel out the blessings you brought." She's so smart. And she even has an English accent, which makes her sound even smarter.
From my friend Rachel, I learned that I have no idea what "could have been" and I just need to rest in the peace of knowing that I truly did what I could.
From my friend Noraa, I learned that my actions are significant, and that I have no right to blame myself for issues that have existed since the dawn of time.
From my friends Katie and Juliette and Emily, I learned that I have a support system and friends who are willing to understand me.
From my friend Michelle, I learned what the word dichotomy means.
From Rosie, I learned that we don't choose what we get in this life. But we have the power to choose what we do with what we get.
And do you know what I got in this life? I got a hell of a lot more than I could ever possibly deserve. Not only did I get financial blessings and a first-world life, but I got a heart that hurts for others.
Until yesterday, I've always seen this as a curse. I am so glad that my heart is not okay with complacency. I got a family and friends who stand beside me and hold me up when I cannot stand on my own two feet. I have learned that I am a tiny part of this huge, beautiful, awesome, scary, ugly, terrifying, amazing thing called humanity.
And I am so blessed by that.
So to my friends and family, to my roommates and house mates from Tanzania, to Rosie, to her Mother:
Thank you.
It hurts. But thank you for teaching me.
