And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite.

The summer before I began highschool, I received homework in the mail. I was to choose two books off of a reading list, read them, and write two seperate book reports. The first book I chose was "To Kill a Mockingbird". I liked it. The second book I chose was "Watership Down". My mom had recommended it, she said it was a really good book.
She was wrong.
That book sucked.
 I didn't finish.
 If you've never read it, it's basically just a bunch of talking bunny rabbits being ruled by a tyrranical dictator bunny. I mean, I never made it past page 20, but that's basically the whole book.
So there I was, about a week before I started school, and I still needed to read a book. I read through the list again, and a title caught my eye.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Charlie stole my heart.
This book is an excellent story, and I won't give you a summary, because I've already ranted for ten minutes, and this post isn't even actually about books at all.
But the main character of The Perks of Being a Wallflower is this boy Charlie.
I like how Charlie thinks.
He talks a few times about feeling infinite. He talks a lot about remembering things and wishing he knew then how happy he really was. One of my favorite parts of the book is this:
       "When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights and buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite. Love always, Charlie."

And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite.
I swear.
We were infinite.
Infinite.
To have no beginning, and no end.
To go on forever.
Forever and ever.

Two nights ago, my friends and I went fishing on the beach.
We had a campfire, fished in the ocean, sat around in a circle, got in an-inyourface-screaming-match over whether or not Pocahontas is an actual princess (she is.) we laughed together, talked about the future, ran from the waves, watched the jellyfish glow in the dark, screamed when Kara caught a fish (which was actually just another one of our fishing poles) and jumped up from our seats every time the cops patrolled the beach.
And I swear, we were infinite.

Everything on Earth is finite. It starts and it ends.
Moments are finite.
They begin and they end.
But within a moment, is infinity.

Sitting on the beach with my friends I felt infinite.
We're all a little infinite.
I believe that.
We're all gonna die one day.
But in a way, we will always exist. Our bodies will cease, but our souls, our spirits, will still exist.
I believe that.
This summer is not infinite.
My friends will go back to college and I will be sad and lonely.
But these brief moments in which our hearts are full.
These moments where we feel, just for a second, nothing is wrong.
We are safe inside these moments.
And these moments are infinite.
And inside these moments, we are braver than we believe.

I'm so excited. (I'm so scared.)

I have regrets.
I'm twenty-two years old, and I already have a pile of regrets as tall as Shaquille O'Neal.
Aren't you suppsed to be forty years old with four kids and an ugly husband before you start regretting things?
no.
I think about how many decisions I make on a daily basis. Approximately a million.
We make decisions, we make mistakes, and that's how we wind up with regrets.
I have done a lot of things in my life worth regretting. A lot.
But those aren't the things I regret.
I don't regret DOING anything. It's the things I did NOT do that I regret.
There are things I've done and said that I would like to erase if I could, but not to the point of holding onto regret over it. I've made mistakes and learned from them and forgiven myself.
It's the things I plumb ignored and just straight up didn't do that I regret.
I regret not doing the World Race.
I regret not taking so many of the wonderful opportunities that have been placed in my path.
I talk myself out of things, I let fear, and doubt, and the need for security obstruct the passion I have for adventure. I say "it's just not realistic for me to pack up and move, or spend a year traveling the world and helping people, the money won't come, I'm too young, too dumb, too fat, too inexperienced, too scared, too BLAH BLAH BLAH DEE FREAKIN BLAH!"
SHUTUP KATRINAH.
I have Someone so capable on my side.
I am able.
When I was six years old, my mom said I need to finish my dinner, because there are starving children in Africa. I said "they can have my dinner! We gotta go bring it to them!" and I wasn't being snotty, I meant it. It was then that I decided that one day, I would go to Africa and feed kids and take care of them. I went to Kenya two years ago, and I've since had a few opportunities to return to my favorite continent, and haven't taken those opportunities because of fear, doubt, and uncertainty.
I regret that.
I refuse to regret anymore.
I am twenty two. I'm young. I'm capable. I am not tied down to anyone or anything here.
Byeeeeeee.
I am currently in the process of planning to relocate to Tanzania for a few months.
My heart pounds with excitement at the thought of it.
My heart pounds with fear at the thought of it.
I have so many reasons to stay.
I'll miss my friends.
Its expensive.
I have to help plan my best friend's wedding (loveyougirllll)
What will I do when I get back?
What if my dog dies while I'm gone?
What if one of my friends has a baby? or gets married?
What if Santa Clause doesn't know where I am?
What if I miss the Zombie apocalypse? (cause you know that's only happening in the US)
I refuse to live with regret.
I have this opportunity. I'm taking it.
That's it, that's all, the end, goodbye, finish your dinner.
I am afraid, but I refuse to let that stop me.
Because ya know what?
I am braver than I believe.
I am smarter than I think.
And I am stronger than I seem.