And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite.

The summer before I began highschool, I received homework in the mail. I was to choose two books off of a reading list, read them, and write two seperate book reports. The first book I chose was "To Kill a Mockingbird". I liked it. The second book I chose was "Watership Down". My mom had recommended it, she said it was a really good book.
She was wrong.
That book sucked.
 I didn't finish.
 If you've never read it, it's basically just a bunch of talking bunny rabbits being ruled by a tyrranical dictator bunny. I mean, I never made it past page 20, but that's basically the whole book.
So there I was, about a week before I started school, and I still needed to read a book. I read through the list again, and a title caught my eye.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Charlie stole my heart.
This book is an excellent story, and I won't give you a summary, because I've already ranted for ten minutes, and this post isn't even actually about books at all.
But the main character of The Perks of Being a Wallflower is this boy Charlie.
I like how Charlie thinks.
He talks a few times about feeling infinite. He talks a lot about remembering things and wishing he knew then how happy he really was. One of my favorite parts of the book is this:
       "When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights and buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite. Love always, Charlie."

And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite.
I swear.
We were infinite.
Infinite.
To have no beginning, and no end.
To go on forever.
Forever and ever.

Two nights ago, my friends and I went fishing on the beach.
We had a campfire, fished in the ocean, sat around in a circle, got in an-inyourface-screaming-match over whether or not Pocahontas is an actual princess (she is.) we laughed together, talked about the future, ran from the waves, watched the jellyfish glow in the dark, screamed when Kara caught a fish (which was actually just another one of our fishing poles) and jumped up from our seats every time the cops patrolled the beach.
And I swear, we were infinite.

Everything on Earth is finite. It starts and it ends.
Moments are finite.
They begin and they end.
But within a moment, is infinity.

Sitting on the beach with my friends I felt infinite.
We're all a little infinite.
I believe that.
We're all gonna die one day.
But in a way, we will always exist. Our bodies will cease, but our souls, our spirits, will still exist.
I believe that.
This summer is not infinite.
My friends will go back to college and I will be sad and lonely.
But these brief moments in which our hearts are full.
These moments where we feel, just for a second, nothing is wrong.
We are safe inside these moments.
And these moments are infinite.
And inside these moments, we are braver than we believe.

I'm so excited. (I'm so scared.)

I have regrets.
I'm twenty-two years old, and I already have a pile of regrets as tall as Shaquille O'Neal.
Aren't you suppsed to be forty years old with four kids and an ugly husband before you start regretting things?
no.
I think about how many decisions I make on a daily basis. Approximately a million.
We make decisions, we make mistakes, and that's how we wind up with regrets.
I have done a lot of things in my life worth regretting. A lot.
But those aren't the things I regret.
I don't regret DOING anything. It's the things I did NOT do that I regret.
There are things I've done and said that I would like to erase if I could, but not to the point of holding onto regret over it. I've made mistakes and learned from them and forgiven myself.
It's the things I plumb ignored and just straight up didn't do that I regret.
I regret not doing the World Race.
I regret not taking so many of the wonderful opportunities that have been placed in my path.
I talk myself out of things, I let fear, and doubt, and the need for security obstruct the passion I have for adventure. I say "it's just not realistic for me to pack up and move, or spend a year traveling the world and helping people, the money won't come, I'm too young, too dumb, too fat, too inexperienced, too scared, too BLAH BLAH BLAH DEE FREAKIN BLAH!"
SHUTUP KATRINAH.
I have Someone so capable on my side.
I am able.
When I was six years old, my mom said I need to finish my dinner, because there are starving children in Africa. I said "they can have my dinner! We gotta go bring it to them!" and I wasn't being snotty, I meant it. It was then that I decided that one day, I would go to Africa and feed kids and take care of them. I went to Kenya two years ago, and I've since had a few opportunities to return to my favorite continent, and haven't taken those opportunities because of fear, doubt, and uncertainty.
I regret that.
I refuse to regret anymore.
I am twenty two. I'm young. I'm capable. I am not tied down to anyone or anything here.
Byeeeeeee.
I am currently in the process of planning to relocate to Tanzania for a few months.
My heart pounds with excitement at the thought of it.
My heart pounds with fear at the thought of it.
I have so many reasons to stay.
I'll miss my friends.
Its expensive.
I have to help plan my best friend's wedding (loveyougirllll)
What will I do when I get back?
What if my dog dies while I'm gone?
What if one of my friends has a baby? or gets married?
What if Santa Clause doesn't know where I am?
What if I miss the Zombie apocalypse? (cause you know that's only happening in the US)
I refuse to live with regret.
I have this opportunity. I'm taking it.
That's it, that's all, the end, goodbye, finish your dinner.
I am afraid, but I refuse to let that stop me.
Because ya know what?
I am braver than I believe.
I am smarter than I think.
And I am stronger than I seem.

Well yeah, Juliet died. But at least she had a boyfriend.

I feel like love, marriage, and relationships are a huge theme in my life right now.
For everyone but me.
EVERYONE is getting married.
EVERYBODY!!!
Except Katrinah.
I feel like every single week another friend of mine is getting married or engaged.
A few weeks ago, four of my friends all got married on the SAME day.
To be honest, I'm jealous.
But why?
What reason do I have?
I don't even want to be married right now, I'm still a kid.
Its just that I see all these people in love and I'm like "me too!"
And I think maybe that has something with how we're conditioned to think.

I read Romeo and Juliet in 9th grade.
I remember wishing I had what they had.
I was jealous of Juliet.
All the girls in my class were.
She had Romeo, and he was good-looking, and she had a pretty dress.
And they ran away together and got married in the woods in the middle of the night.
AND THEN THEY DIED.
When we talk about love, we almost always mention Romeo and Juliet.
But that's dumb.
I don't want their relationship.
Their relationship sucked.
Romeo and Juliet didn't even KNOW EACH OTHER.
Twenty minutes ago, Romeo was into another girl.
That should have been Juliet's first red flag. Who wants to be Romeo's sloppy seconds?
Out of nowhere, he's at the girl's window telling her he's madly in love with her.
...creepy...
Some boy shows up at my window and tells me that I am "the sun"...
I would start throwing shoes at him and tell him to get off my property!
But she didn't. Jules just took her heart and placed it right in his hand.
And we all know how it ended.
With a bunch of sneaking around, and a few rash decisions, they both died.
Like, Dude- You're like SIXTEEN.
It's just crazy. We tell this story like its a fairytale.
It's in the title: the TRAGEDY of Romeo and Juliette.
But as little girls we want to be like Juliet.
dumb.
To be honest with you, I love Jules.
She's one of my favorite story characters.
I can  criticize her decisions all day long, but I get it.
I can't say that there wasn't a point in my life where I would have made the same choices.
She was in love.
She was so lost in the romance that she lost all reason.
She followed Romeo anywhere because she thought they would get a happy ending.
But she didn't. And I feel like that's what happens to most of us.
We give in to these romantic delusions, and find ourselves getting hurt.

Why I say all this, is because I think we need to stop trying to be like Juliet.
We can be ourselves. Write our own stories.
If we can't be happy alone, we will never be happy in a relationship.
Plain and simple.
Romeo can't keep us from getting hurt.

I do want to get married one day.
But not if I can't be happy by myself.
friends: don't sit around waiting for your prince charming.
A man who rides around on a horse just looking for a wife, is not the hero you want.
Live your life.
Go out into the world and expeience things.
Take risks, make mistakes, have adventures.
And maybe while you're having an adventure, he'll be having one with you.
And maybe not. Maybe you will do amazing things on your own, and that is great.
But whatever you do, be yourself, love yourself.
Because you are smarter than you think.
You're stronger than you seem.
And Braver than you believe.

Playing hide-and-seek in a sink hole.

I sometimes think there's this big, black, deep hole that all of my life plans are sitting in the bottom of.
I am a quitter.
I quit things.
Soccer.
Ballet.
Piano.
Guitar.
Xylohone.
Tuba.
Cheerleading.
Multiple Jobs.
College. (three times)
ESOAL.
The gym.
Every other instrument known to man.
I am a quitter.
I've become better at sticking with things, but lately I feel like every single thing in my life is falling through.
Within the past year, I've had numerous extravagant plans that have all fallen through.
I was going to move to Oregon... didn't happen.
I was going to spend a semester in Uganda... didn't happen.
I was going to go on an 11 month trip around the globe... didn't happen.
I was going to move to North Carolina... didn't happen.
So what IS happening, you ask? ...NOTHING!
nothing at all.
I feel like I'm just sitting. sitting in New Jersey, doing nothing.
I've begun working full time as a hair dresser and trying to move forward with my career, but I feel like nothing is happening to me.
Not even bad things, (which i am NOT asking for) but I'm just saying I wish SOMETHING would happen in my life. Within the past few weeks, a lot of my friends have left for school, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to school.
I guess that this is the beginning of adulthood, responsibility, done with school... I don't like adulthood.
I just always thought my life would be different at this point.
I thought I would be in my senior year of college somewhere near New Jersey, but not too close, getting ready to graduate with a degree that would get me a great job, engaged to some amazing man whim I would marry mere weeks after graduation.
Let me first say that I am so glad that is not my immediate future.
However, it would be nice to have some solid plans, which I do not.
Recently, there was a story on the news where a sink hole formed in New Jersey and a car went into it. (Don't worry, the lady got out) but i thought, it would be kind of fun to play in a sink hole... you know, until it became scary instead.
And thats kind of how I feel right now. I'm playing hide-and-seek in a sink hole... and it was fun until I realized that I'm hiding and no one is seeking me. Most of my deepest relationships are currently over the phone because not very many of my true friends are living near me anymore. and that sucks dude.
So I'm sitting in this sink hole, and once I realize it's time to get out, I figure out thats not very easy.
So the other day I was praying, praying that God would send me someone. here. now. someone I can talk to, really talk to, someone I can depend on.
And I realized, He already has. Himself.
He could send me a thousand friends, a million boyfriends, and I wouldn't be fulfilled.
No human being can pull me out of a sinkhole.
Only God can quiet the cries of my heart, and only if I let Him.
And while I sit here, hiding in a sink hole, it is He who is seeking me.
It is He who is making me Braver than I believe.

endings, beginnings, and continuations.

So, over a year ago, I started a blog on here, but I never stuck with it. Story of my life.
I guess I oughta start by talking about myself? I'm pretty good at that...
I'm on the cusp of my 21st year, I'm a hairdresser, I love Jesus, and I love babies.
thats about it.
also, I love mud.
I can't really explain my present without explaining my past.
I grew up in Jersey (yep the fab Jersey Shore)
well, to make spark note this story: I went away to college in Pennsylvania at 18 years old.
that November, my best friend died of cancer. that was awful.
like really awful.
I turned my back on God, dropped out of college and moved back home.
thats when I got a phone call from a little place called the Honor Academy.
After much internal debate and arguing with God, I shipped out to Texas and became a Teen Mania intern.
hardest year of my life.
so far.
greatest year of my life.
so far.
most important year of my life.
so far.
I learned so many things in that fateful year.
I learned how to love people.
even when they don't deserve it.
I learned how to love myself.
even when I hate myself.
I learned who God is.
and through that, I learned who I am.
I had so many amazing experiences in that year.
experiences I will never forget.
and I met the people whom I now consider to be my brothers and sisters.
After 11 months in Texas and one beautiful month in Africa,
I moved back home to New Jersey.
I am on my way to graduating from beauty school and I plan to work for the next few months so that I can go to Uganda for seven months.
In the past 2 years, I have done a whole lot of reflecting.
a whole lot.
Ive learned that its okay to not know things.
Ive learned its okay to cry.
Ive learned its okay to trust people.
Ive learned its okay to love people.
Ive learned its okay to be hurt.
And Ive learned that I'm braver than I believe.